Where do I Start?

First of all let me get this off my chest CANCER SUCKS!!!! Now I feel better. I know I had told everyone that my radiation was done and I got my catheter out. I thought I was running towards home after that. NOPE!!!! I was caught and am back in the dugout. I had mentioned the Oncotype DX test where they can see what my chances of cancer coming back is. Well my chanes range between 23%-44% with an average of 34%. It also showed that the cancer cells were very aggressive and I am hormone negative which means I won't respond to hormone therapy to help fight the cancer cells. I was told I have to have a very aggressive chemo regimen. They call is Dose Dense Therapy. I will be given two chemo drugs (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) once every two weeks with a total of 4 doses. I will then be given the chemo drug Taxol once every two weeks with a total of 4 doses. This means I will be receiving chemo until sometime in July depending on the exact start date. I do have to have some tests before hand. One of the tests is a heart test. It is called a MUGA Scan and pictures are actually taken of the heart pumping. The Adriamycin can cause heart failure so they want to make sure your heart is pumping normal before administering. If anything at all shows up with the heart that chemo regimen will not happen. The plan goes that if that test is okay then I will see the medical oncologist (Dr. Crane) again and we will talk about an anti-nausea regimen for me. He says I will lose my hair, be very sick and very tired. Just what I am looking forward to. Anway after that visit I will then have a port line put in to have the chemo administered through. After all of that is done I will be ready to start....FUN huh? One other thing I am doing is being genetically tested. Dr. Crane said he wanted me to see a genetic dr. and see if this is all genetic. That happens Thursday.

Both my medical oncologist and my breat surgeon says it is odd for the me have had such a small tumor in the early stages of cancer and have the numbers this test showed for me. My surgeon put it as "We have a bad actor that has an ugly face." I could give this cancer friend of mine some more not so nice names.

Now...I have been upbeat about this.....HECK NO!!!! I have cried more over this and anything I have encountered so far. I can't even pinpoint why except I just want it over. I am tired of feeling tired and now I am told it will get a lot worse before it gets better.

Will I stay positive...HECK YES!!!! That's half the battle. I can have bad days and still be positive. There is a purpose for this...even though I haven't figured it out but I know it is there.

Will it make me a better person.....I SURE HOPE SO! All of us have room for improvement in whatever form and I know something from this will make me a better person.

Am I scared to lose my hair....MAYBE NOT SCARED BUT NERVOUS! I was one that always liked the color of my hair. It was bright red when I was little and then turned an auburn color. Of course it has a lot of gray now but I did like it. What scares me the most about losing my hair is the fact I am not a beuty queen so losing my hair will not enhance my looks any...What a bummer!!!! I don't think I am a wig type person so bald will be me. I figure if someone doesn't want to associate with me because I have no hair...so be it!!!!! It is their loss!!!!

What do I see that can be a silver lining here......LOSE WEIGHT!!!! Maybe I can change from the chunky bunny to the sleek mink...LOL Knowing my luck I will be the only person in history to go through aggressive chemo and not lose a pound. Boy will I be mad!!!!

AS FOR TAC SEMINAR...I am still planning on going. I already asked Dr. Crane and he said he would want me to go and we will work around it. So.....I am still planning on attending so if you see a bald woman (hopefully on the way to the sleek mink stage) that looks like hell.....it's me and don't worry I'm not contagious and come up and get a hug and say Hi!!!

SO....there is what my life is going to encounter. I am going to try to stay as normal as possible with my activities...that is posting on the computer and making a few cards. I won't be having classes or running marathons.

Anyone that really knows me and has met my family they know that my son is a Momma's boy. By the picture he looks like a big brut but he is a big teddy bear and is so nice and loves everyone...especially me and kids...LOL He is divorced...any nice girls want a nice guy...LOL The main thing is you have to move here...I won't let him leave.

One of the things my son loves is tattoos. They are not my thing but hey he will be 32 the 14th of this month so there isn't much I can do. Here is what he did for me:

The initials above the ribbon is my mom's. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1990. She went in and had a mastectomy; came out of surgery and had a massive stroke 1 1/2 hours later and died the next day. The bottom initials are mine. He said he could get a car magnet and someone would steal it but they steal his arm. The colors are of course a pink ribbon and shadowed in purple which represents all cancers. This picture was taken the day after he got it. It really touched my heart that he did this. It is his way of showing me his support and wants everyone to be aware.

One of my good friends called tonight and said we should have a hair shaving party and shave our heads. I then said we could all get T-shirts that say "Can you tell which one really has cancer?" and my sister said on the back we could say "Only my hairdresser knows for sure." What a hoot!!!! This is what keeps me going...I have the best support team ever. I have wonderful friends and family all around me and I have all of my cyber and angel friends on the net. Thanks everyone that reads my blog and prays for me!!!!

Tomorrow is a new day and is suppose to be wonderful weather wise. In the evening I am going to enjoy and then go to my friends mom's house where we are going to play cards and munch out!!!! During the day I will spend it with DH and enjoy the sunshine. I know we will be taking a walk as we are going to do that everyday to give me as much strength as we can before my treatments start.

Love you guys and check back!!!!!